I think our HOA has a dartboard with my house on it. And I get it. We’re not exactly “model residents.” The kind of family who waves politely from the porch while their yard looks like a hurricane passed through the toy aisle at Target.
Last week, I got a very official-looking letter about “bicycles obstructing the sidewalk.” Which is a dramatic way of saying Patrick left his bike on its side for approximately 40 minutes before dinner. You’d think he parked a dump truck there. And then Blanca’s chalk masterpiece—her version of “art therapy”—was cited for “visual clutter.” Visual clutter! It was a sun and a cat wearing sunglasses, Janet. Calm down.
Then there was the “pool toy incident.” Apparently, you can’t leave floaties visible from the street. The letter said something like “unsightly objects,” which made me laugh because, let’s be honest, unsightly is me at 6 a.m. in the carpool line. But sure, the pink flamingo tube is the real problem.
Dave thinks I should just play along—keep the garage door closed, mow twice a week, pretend our lives are clean and quiet. Meanwhile, Blanca’s scooter is somehow in the neighbor’s flower bed, Patrick’s Nerf bullets are floating in the retention pond, and our dog won’t stop barking at the HOA president’s decorative flamingos. It’s a losing battle.
I know they’re trying to “maintain community standards,” but sometimes I think the only standard I’m meeting is “barely functioning human who pays dues on time.” I’d host a block party to smooth things over, but with our track record, someone would probably trip over a water balloon or knock over the HOA president’s folding chair, and we’d end up on the next newsletter anyway.
But here’s the thing—I kind of love it. The noise, the chaos, the popsicles dripping on the driveway. It’s proof that we’re alive in this perfectly imperfect little Florida neighborhood. Maybe one day the HOA will learn to appreciate the sound of kids being kids. Until then, I’ll just wave to Janet, kick Patrick’s bike off the curb, and pretend not to notice the new letter sticking out of the mailbox.