Let’s get real for a minute: when you’re knee-deep in kid chaos, it’s easy to forget about the “husband and wife” part of your relationship. Between school runs, dance practices, and trying to keep the house from falling apart, Dave and I often find ourselves in a bit of a “what was the last time we had a real conversation?” rut. It’s not that we don’t love each other—it’s just that life, in all its noisy, messy glory, tends to take over. But here’s the thing: marriage doesn’t have to take a backseat just because you’re juggling kids.
So, how do we keep that spark alive when it feels like the kids are permanently attached to our sides, and we’ve already had three discussions about whether or not Patrick is allowed to have chocolate for breakfast (he’s not, by the way)?
First, we need to acknowledge that it’s tough. It’s tough when you’re not sleeping, it’s tough when you don’t have a minute to yourself, and it’s tough when your “date night” consists of watching a show on Netflix with a glass of wine and a bag of chips (is that just me?). But let’s be honest—if you’re both just surviving instead of thriving as a couple, things can start to feel a little…well, meh.
The first thing we try to do is sneak in small moments of connection. I’m not talking about grand gestures here—ain’t nobody got time for that. But a quick kiss when Dave comes home from work, or texting him a “hey, thinking of you” during the day (even if it’s just about whether or not Patrick has tried to take the dog for a walk again). The small stuff adds up, I promise.
One of our tricks? No phones at dinner. I can already hear the protests. “But I need to check my email!” or “What if I miss a call from the school?” Trust me, I get it. But the moment we started putting the phones down at the table, it was like magic. We actually talked—like, real, adult conversations. And, bonus, we get to catch up on how each other’s days went instead of just swapping grocery lists.
Also, can we talk about the importance of a good night routine? When we finally manage to get the kids in bed and there’s a rare quiet moment (and by rare, I mean REALLY rare), that’s our time to reconnect. Some nights it’s just a few minutes of chatting about silly stuff, like what ridiculous things Patrick said at dinner or what’s going on at work. But it’s a little time just for the two of us to get back on the same page.
And let’s be real—sometimes you just need to laugh. I mean, really laugh. Like when you try to cook a fancy meal and end up burning it because you’re trying to answer a dozen questions at once. Or when you accidentally lock yourself out of the house for the second time in a week (guilty). Those moments, as frustrating as they are, can actually bring you closer if you can both just laugh at how crazy life is. Because let’s face it, life with kids is chaotic, and if you can’t laugh at the absurdity of it all, you might just cry.
Another big one for us is making sure we actually see each other. It sounds silly, but sometimes, in the madness of parenthood, you forget that you’re not just parents—you’re a couple, too. We try to carve out a little time just to look at each other, share a joke, or even just hold hands. No need for deep, meaningful conversations (those can wait). But a simple reminder that you’re in this together can go a long way.
Now, I won’t lie—there are days when Dave and I barely talk except for passing off a kid or handling a minor crisis. But we’ve learned that it’s okay to have those moments, too. The key is making sure you don’t let those moments stretch into days or weeks. Keep checking in, keep laughing, and keep making time for each other. It’s not about perfection; it’s about staying connected, even in the mess.
At the end of the day, no one’s perfect, and no marriage is without its ups and downs (trust me, we’ve had our fair share). But as long as you’re making time for each other, even in small ways, that connection doesn’t fade. It might not always be a candlelit dinner or a weekend getaway (though wouldn’t that be nice?), but it’s those tiny, meaningful moments that keep the foundation strong.
So, here’s to us—parents, partners, and maybe a little less sleep-deprived (for now). We’ve got this.